As Jimmy Evans often says, “the greatest needs in a man is respect, sex, friendship with his wife, and domestic support.” You might have read that in a book or heard it in a podcast a few times, but I want to remind you how truly invaluable it is on being a friend to your spouse.
I want to express to you how a wife can be his dearest friend and why it’s important to you, not just your husband.
I won’t ever forget the day I got a call from a dear friend, as she began talking I could hear pain and desperation in her voice begging for us to meet.
As we met that same day in Starbucks, she’s looking at me with tears in her eyes, telling me her husband has cheated on her. “Mariana, what do I do?” Nothing could be more frightening than to give an answer that’s wrong in this moment. Her decision was about to impact multiple lives, so I prayed inside, I said “Holy Spirit, please tell me what to say, what’s the right thing for her to do.”
I looked at her and said, ” I can’t tell you what to do, but I can tell you if you want to give him a second chance, be his friend. Everyone around him will be his enemy, I mean everyone and even himself. He will need someone to help him through this. As you do this, it will transform his heart back to you. Save him today so it will save your marriage tomorrow.”
The decision was hers, but that small word of advice spoke to her and she took it to heart. Years later, they are still married, restored and working on creating a legacy together for their family. She mentioned to me recently “when you told me to be his friend that day, it helped me give him a second chance and to be strong through the pain and to restore our marriage.” This is not to say, that if you become a friend it solves all things! There was definitely so many other things she has done, as well as him to make it work. However, it was that moment a switch of attitude that reminded her “a friend loves at all times.” Proverbs 17:17
That advice wasn’t mine, but Holy Spirit’s. How do I know? He always sees beyond our pain. Holy Spirit is our greatest friend and He values friendship so much, He knew that her being her husband’s friend would be invaluable to him and it would transform their marriage forever.
Let’s first define what a Friend is. A Friend is a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection. One that is not hostile. A person who is not an enemy or opponent; an ally.
A friend who is not an enemy, so simple yet so profound when taken into practice.
A friend is your companion when it’s needed the most, a friend isn’t an enemy but points to the enemy instead of your spouse.
A friend isn’t an enemy, but points to the enemy; instead of your spouse.
I want to list 3 reasons why being your husbands friend is not only beneficial for him, but for you.
1. Being a friend, helps you not to take his mistakes personal.
Instead of his mistakes being personal, you become personal with him.
Let me be straight with you, your husband is going to hurt you or offend you if he hasn’t already. It’s inevitable, because he is human. When your spouse makes a mistake, instead of going on defense mode and saying “how could you do this or say this to me?” You remove yourself from defending yourself to defending him.
You remove yourself from defending yourself to defending him.
What does that look like? Speak opposite to his behavior. “This isn’t you, you are more than this.” “Don’t give up, you will overcome.” You are building him up, not tearing him down. (Proverbs 14:1) He already is torn in his mistake or lack of. That he isn’t making enough, or he feels like a failure in a certain area.
In your husband’s wrong, he doesn’t need someone pointing at him or looking down at him, but looking through his mistake or weakness, and the way to do that is be his friend. Be there so he can talk to you and make him feel that you are for him not against him. It’s not to excuse his mistake, but it’s to excuse you from getting in the way and making another.
It’s not to excuse his mistake, but it’s to excuse you from getting in the way and making another.
It also helps you go through hell faster. Why not run through it instead of making a bed in hell, and getting comfortable. Get out of there quicker. The way to do that is to know who your enemy is and if you are a friend, that wouldn’t be you.
Know who your enemy is and if you are a friend, that wouldn’t be you.
2. Keeping the friendship alive, keeps the marriage alive.
It’s true. In every season of hardship that you go through as a couple, the season of lack in money and can’t make the bills or he forgot your birthday, or your children become more of a priority than him or the marriage. His fault or your fault, don’t worry both of you will get your turn. So for the spouse that’s keeping score, you either better be Jesus or remind yourself that you have faults too.
Here are a few ideas on keeping the friendship alive:
1. Always be dating. No excuse! Kids or no kids, busy or lazy it doesn’t matter, go out together and create more memories. My husband and I have date night once a week for 11 years, and if it’s not on that night we will go on a lunch date but we make sure to make it happen.
2. Laugh together. How? That’s up to your style. My hubby loves looking up funny videos and we read the comments together. Never fails to make us both laugh. Or he just listens to my humor and laughs… haha kidding.
3. Talk to each other. Yeah, sounds simple Mariana. Okay phone addict, maybe try it. Ask your spouse there greatest accomplishments in 2018, or what they want to achieve in 2019. Share your dreams and talk about life together. It keeps the bond strong! After knowing my husband for 16 years, I’m still learning about him and still am curious to get to know him.
Through all the changes and troubles, if you keep your friendship by going on dates, laughing and still getting to know your spouse, you won’t just survive but thrive together.
3. Friendship brings him to appreciate you.
Every women wants to be adored and valued. I assure you, on the day that he didn’t value himself but you did anyways, he will forever be grateful and cherish you. He craves to be seen as your hero.
A wife isn’t just someone with a title but also a powerful influence and force. You can inspire growth and transformation in him. Let him see it and feel it. Be the one to believe in him, have hope in his dreams and to partner up in his wild pursuit of becoming all that he’s meant to be. Trust me, he would love to be in your presence. If you believed in me that much, I would too.
Proverbs 12:4 says “the integrity and strength of a virtuous wife transforms her husband into an honored king. But the wife who disgraces her husband weakens the strength of his identity.”
This scripture is so powerful, a reminder to us that women are the key to your husbands transformation with the help of Holy Spirit.
Women are the key to your husbands transformation with the help of Holy Spirit.
You can’t have the integrity or strength without the Holy Spirit. Human beings are limited but with God in the center of it all, you see transformation.
I hope this inspires you to see that you’re not just a wife, but his dearest friend.