Lonely and Married

Isaiah 54:5-6 “For your Creator will be your husband…”

I know the title captured you and that’s why you are here. Feeling lonely in marriage seems like a paradox. Saying “I do,” to a life long partnership, should automatically mean you’ll never be alone again. Building a life side by side, for better or for worse, it meant together. However, feeling alone in marriage is a shared feeling with many wives out there; ironically you’re not alone. Admitting you feel alone, may mean that something is wrong with you. That you are hard to love, too emotional, you’re not enough or just too much.

Sometimes we desire the same man we had when we were dating. A pursuit to win our hearts over and to be that man that gave his undivided attention. We ask ourselves, “where did he go?” “Where are you?” As soon as we walked down the aisle, it seemed as if he walked away. The pursuit slowly faded and the happily ever after, became never happy after. We start to question ourselves, and think did my insecurities scare him away? Am I too much to bare and too hard to love? Are my walls too strong to tare down and you gave up on me? Physically present but emotionally absent.

A heart of a women is quite a mystery, but it’s not by mistake. It was designed that way, by our dear Heavenly Father. We dream of a divine romance that craves for our heart to be unveiled, by the man she marries.

In the next few paragraphs I want to unveil a few truths that will bring you comfort.

1. Hollywood didn’t create romance, God did.

The movie “Notebook” By, Nicholas Sparks was such a great love story. A majority of us wish to have the same fate of its ending tail. However, there is an author that beats the story of Notebook. You can find it in Song of Songs. Before you even begin reading the chapter, the subtitle say’s “Divine Romance.” It’s a facet of God’s heart that has been revealed to us, not only through the story of Song of Songs, but He has planted that desire into each one of His daughters’ hearts. For many years I was troubled within myself, asking why do I feel so deeply? I have this insatiable desire to live with passion and to receive it back. I wondered if I was a victim of a false image that was drawn by Hollywood and I was biting into it. Until recently, God reassured me that it’s been Him all along.

Craving a divine romance, is God given. Your desire is not wrong and the Author of your love story is Him. Give Him back the pen. He wants to help you write your love story and not to compare it to your neighbors, not the same one you stalk on Instagram and not Allie Hamilton from Notebook.

If you’re asking how do I give Him back the pen? The answer is, give Him back your heart.

2. Between two lovers

The Song of Songs book in the Bible is a love letter, from God to you. I encourage you to read it in Passion Translation (TPT), it will help you see God in a different way. A divine romance that was designed first and foremost between you and our precious Jesus. A love story that cannot be compared, it’s without rival, it’s the perfect one, the favorite one. (Song of Songs 6:9)

When we can’t get to God, we try to get to our spouse. The need for love won’t ever go away, some one has to fill it. When we choose our spouse to be the primary source of love, we will end up disappointed.

I want to address this because I feel that the reason why we don’t go to God first is because there is a hidden disappointment between you and your Creator. A lie that was fed to you over a circumstance or a life disappointment and in your mind, God failed you. In your heart, He failed to love you. The only way to overcome this pain is to tell Him. “Tell him every detail of your life, then God’s wonderful peace that transcends human understanding, will make the answers known to you through Jesus Christ.” Phil 4:6 TPT

He knows it’s hidden in your heart, share that pain with Him and let your understanding of the situation not hide from Him, but choose to let it go by giving it to Him.

We tend to give that responsibility to our spouse to fulfill, but they can’t. He knows your heart better than anyone. He holds the keys to the mystery of our deepest desires and needs. Once you give it back to God, the pressure is off on your spouse. Your spouse feels the pressure to fulfill your expectation. It brings them fear to be the source of your love, and I may be even bold to say that’s what pushes them further away.

They were not made to be the God of love, but to serve you with love, side by side.

God is love, and He always gives. He wants the love that you have between each other to overflow into your Marriage. He designed marriage to illustrate His love, covenant and commitment to His bride.

Here are a few tips to help you revive your love with God:

Worship Him. Soak in the songs and listen to the lyrics, especially the first songs you listened to in your your walk with God.

Read Song of Songs TPT and read it as if God wrote it to you, because HE did.

Talk to Him (pray) about everything. How you feel, your pain, even if it’s Him. You can trust Him with your heart secrets and deepest desires.

Journal your hearts journey. Write letters and songs to Him, like David did. David wrote all His feelings and God never rebuked Him for it but actually honored it.

3. Don’t neglect yourself, just because he neglected you.

Isaiah 54:6 “For the Lord has called you back from your grief-as though you were a young wife abandoned by her husband,” says your God.”

It’s painful to feel neglected by the one who you gave your heart to. What does neglect mean? In the Websters dictionary it means to pay no attention or too little attention to; disregard.

There will be a season or seasons where you will feel neglected. If it’s in your emotions, your heart hopes, dreaming alone, the help at home, a friend to laugh with, and lover. Physically present but emotionally absent. Whatever the case may be for you, neglect is a common companion to so many out there.

We want our partner to tell us in their actions and words, “hey, I’m here. I’m with you and for you.” If it’s helping with the kids or dishes, helping you fulfill your dreams instead of fulfilling everyone’s instead, or just simply acknowledging your feelings. When you thought marriage was going to be a union, a partnership, your ride or die but all you do is utter the words “Where are you” “why can’t you see me beyond your phone, business and tv show?” Physically present but emotionally absent. Going to events alone, taking care of the home and kids on your own, going through a difficult time on your own; everything that should have been together became a lonely thing.

When our marriage suffers, it seems like everything suffers. We get paralyzed because our heart yearns for companionship and love.

We can’t change our spouses, but we can get God involved and He is the enforcer, not us. Instead of complaining to our spouse, we can turn them into prayer requests instead. Phil 6:6

In Proverbs 31, the proverb of a Radiant Bride that every women wishes or envies to be, did many things alone. She did not neglect her ambitions, personal growth, and her responsibilities, even if her spouse wasn’t there or even present.

Don’t neglect yourself, just because he neglected you.

Keep growing and keep going! Don’t allow the season of hurt to stop you from being all that you can be.

Here are a few ideas on how to take care of yourself:

A. Surround yourself with godly mentors and friends, who will speak life into your marriage and into you.

B. Challenge yourself in personal growth, listen to podcast and read books.

C. Do fun activities, with your friends, your children, or even by yourself.

D. Make a list of things that you are grateful for. This will help you to change your focus.

E. Treat yourself. Pedicure or a spa day.

I truly believe when we give our marriage to the hands of God, He will give us the comfort, the wisdom and the care we need. I’ve seen Him do it in my life and in many others. You are not alone and as it says in Proverbs 31:11 “Her husband has entrusted his heart to her, for she brings him the rich spoils of victory.” God’s promise to you is a fulfilled marriage, I pray that through reading this blog you received the comfort and assurance you need.

Blog by Mariana Parkhotyuk
Facebook: @mariana.parkhotyuk
Instagram: @mariana_parkhotyuk