Marriage gives us the wonderful opportunity to wake up and love our spouse each day. Marriage is a ministry under the Lord as co-servants; husband and wife serving each other. Last week, we touched on how to get to marriage, but how do we get through marriage?

Five pillars of marriage in the bible:

1. Marriage is ordained of God (Genesis 2:18, Genesis 2:24).
2. Marriage is a holy covenant (Malachi 2:14).
3. It creates one flesh for divine purpose (Malachi 2:15).
4. Marriage is affirmed by Jesus Christ (Ephesians 5:22, 25)
5. Biblical prescription for godly marriage (Colossians 3:18).

Marriage is under attack all the time, especially in modern society. The devil is coming after marriages in media, news, and culture.

Marriage gives us the wonderful opportunity to wake up and love our spouse each day. Share on X

The Sense Of Attachment In Marriage

“Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.” – 1 Peter 3:7

The 1944 Attachment Study confirms what the Bible says that it is not good for man to be alone. Threats to our sense of attachment can trigger a fight, flight, or freeze response which can lead to intense emotions, conflict, fighting and other negative impacts over time.

Modern Scientific Findings

1. Brain patterns in stable marriages (Fisher, Aron, & Brown, 2005) “Couples in strong, stable marriages showed unique brain patterns compared to those in rocky relationships – it’s as if their brains had been transformed by years of trust and mutual care.”

2. Neurological benefits of spousal support (Coan, Schaefer, & Davidson, 2006) “When a wife holds her husband’s hand during stressful moments, her brain actually calms down in the areas that process fear and pain – the mind recognizes ‘I’m safe because my person is here with me.'”

3. Impact of secure attachment on brain function (Younger et al., 2010) “Simply being near someone we’re securely attached to can lower our brain’s alarm system (similar to anti-anxiety medication), helping us feel safer and calmer – as if God designed our brains to be soothed by the presence of those we love most.”

4. Neural rewards in long-term relationships (Acevedo et al., 2012) “When long-term couples who are deeply bonded look at pictures of each other, their brains light up in the same regions that respond to life’s most basic rewards – like food when we’re hungry. This suggests that our need for attachment is as fundamental as our need for nourishment.”

The Emotional Bank Account in Marriage

Building Positive Balance

You can build the emotional bank account positively in two main ways:

Key Deposits: Showing genuine interest, Communicating understanding, Taking your spouse’s side, Showing solidarity, Expressing empathy, Demonstrating affection, Active listening. All these actions deposit into the positive balance of your marital emotional bank account.

Requiting Emotional Responses (match your spouse’s affection): matching joy with joy, responding to enthusiasm with excitement, reciprocating affection with warmth.

Understanding Affection Override

1. Positive Override

●   Assumes positive intentions

●   Gives the benefit of the doubt

●   Examples of positive interpretations

2. Negative Override

●  Assumes negative intentions

●  Interprets neutral actions negatively

●  Results from depleted emotional bank account

Conflict and Its Impact

The Four Horsemen (Gottman’s Research)

1. Criticism

●   Character attacks vs. specific complaints

●   Use of “always” and “never”

2. Defensiveness

●   Deflecting responsibility

●   Counter-attacks and excuses

●   Self-protective responses

3. Contempt

●   Most destructive element

●   Includes mockery, sarcasm, disrespect

●   Strongest predictor of divorce

●   Contradicts biblical mandate: “Husbands, love your wives… Wives, respect your husbands” – Ephesians 5:25,22

4. Stonewalling

●   Withdrawal

●   Emotional shutdown

●   Physical or emotional absence

The Anger Cycle

Trigger Events and Core Hurts

●    Something happens in a marriage and a core hurt is triggered:

●    Core hurts are feelings of being: disregarded, unlovable, unimportant, accused, guilty, devalued, disrespected, rejected, powerless, inadequate, and incompetent.

●    This triggers us to respond with levels of anger: 

●   We see anger as a protection; it acts as anaethetic to numb the pain of triggered core-hurts.

●   Anger also escalates situations: may be from impatience, being annoyed, irritable, sarcastic, resentful, bitter, hostile, shutdown, vengeful, rage, explosion, and blackout.

2. Biblical Wisdom on Anger:

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” – Proverbs 15:1

Chronic conflict and negative affection override, leads to a negative emotional bank account and to a downward spiral towards divorce.

The Negative Spiral

Progression: Flooding (too much negative emotion) -> Emotional Disengagement -> Parallel Lives -> Loneliness -> – Divorce

Another view: Overwhelming emotions -> Problems seem really bad -> Work things out alone -> Parallel lives -> Loneliness -> a negative story of the marriage forms (e.g., “I should’ve known because on the second date he never…”

Seven Strategies to Stop the Negative Spiral Towards Divorce and Turn Toxic Turmoil into Anointed Abundance

1.Create a home field advantage by:

• Make Christ the center of your marriage, of your home, and of your life.
• Invite the Holy Spirit into your home and into your marriage.
• Raise your children in the faith.
• Anoint and bless your home.
• Pray together daily.
• Do devotional plans together.

2. Cast Out the Money Changers (Matthew 21:12-13) – Love one another and forgive each other.

3. Get out of the guessing game business – No matter what happens, our living God will protect us and take care of us. Get over the negative override to always be suspicious of your spouse and the mental battle.

4. Stop Shopping – In other words, stop comparing your marriage to others and looking for something better. Don’t fall back on covetousness (Colossians 3:5).

5. Share, Bare and Repair – Share vulnerable emotions, bear one another’s burdens and repair when there’s a rupture.

6. Speak Life by (Colossians 3:16-17)

• Speaking destiny, strength and blessings over your spouse (Proverbs 18:21)
• Offering comfort, honor and respect to your spouse (1 Peter 3:7)
• Expressing appreciation and love. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)
• Compromise and Sacrifice (Ephesians 5:21)
• Husbands be positive supports to your wives (Ephesians 5:25-28)

7. Make room for the King – God is love. Love rejoices in truth. Serve each other. Remember, it’s us and the King. A threefold cord is not easily broken.

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